I often hear of people who are having various problems within their marriage. A relatively common issue is when one spouse gets into the habit of throwing hurtful comments or words so often that it almost becomes a habit. This can have a very negative effect on your marriage and compromise the way your spouse thinks of both themselves and the future of their marriage. That is why it is so important to address this and stop it as soon as possible.
I recently heard from a wife who had noticed her husband’s hurtful comments becoming more and more frequent and personal in recent years. This was both disturbing and surprising because she couldn’t remember anything similar to this while they were dating. She said, in part: “For the past two years, my husband has started constantly saying hurtful things to me whenever I do something he doesn’t like. It’s like he knows exactly which button to push that’s going to make me the most angry or hurt me the most. For example, he talks about my family in a very demeaning way when we’re around other people. My family was very poor when I was growing up, but they’re good people. He’ll tell our friends it’s good that his work pays. It’s okay because mine doesn’t. Sometimes, when we argue, he says things like ‘it’s a good thing you found me because I’m not sure anyone else will put up with you’. He always hints that I’m so lucky to have him, almost like I think I could never survive on my own. He says that if he left me, I could never attract anyone else. This makes me feel so bad and it’s destroying my self-esteem. Deep down, I know I’m a good person, but he makes me feel like he disagrees with my own assessment of myself. What can I do to stop this? Every time I try to address him, he says that I’m being too sensitive and that I should stop.”
I will try to address these concerns in the following article by explaining why husbands sometimes have a habit of saying hurtful things and then offering some suggestions on how to address this.
Some possible reasons why husbands say hurtful things: Actually, there are many reasons why husbands use words or phrases meant to hurt deeply, especially if it is new behavior for them. Sometimes, for whatever reason, they are just trying to get your attention and they know that this is the easiest way to get a reaction out of you. Yes, this is a very passive-aggressive way of stopping you in your tracks, but sometimes guys just don’t have the communication skills or the emotional ability to tell you what’s really on their mind.
Another reason why the man you love will try to hurt you with his words is because of his own insecurities. Sometimes, especially in this situation, a man will say the exact opposite of what he really feels. It was quite possible that this husband was (at least somewhere deep down) afraid of losing his wife. So her hurtful phrasing was a way of making sure she didn’t leave him because he was making her believe that she would never attract anyone else. Men who engage in this type of behavior often have low self-esteem. Making you feel bad is an attempt to make yourself feel better. I’m certainly not trying to excuse his behavior, but I’m trying to give him some possibilities as to the cause.
A final possible reason husbands say hurtful things is because they harbor some resentment or anger that they are not addressing in other ways. They may perceive that you have hurt or slighted them in some way and instead of just addressing the issue at hand, they are trying to get back at you over and over again by pushing buttons that they know are big issues for you. This certainly does not make him correct and again we are talking about passive aggressive behavior, but at least if you can understand the reasons behind his behavior you can start to address it and stop it.
How to handle it when your husband constantly says hurtful things to you: The wife here had gotten used to ignoring her husband. For self-preservation reasons, she had taught herself to disconnect from him. But this was becoming very damaging to her marriage and she missed the man who used to be so sweet to her when they started dating her. I felt that she should address this every time her husband said something hurtful because ignoring it would only ensure it kept happening.
Many times, the hurtful words came up when other people were around, so the wife felt uncomfortable talking about it in front of others. The choice then became one of asking to speak to him in private for a minute, or broaching the subject later when they were alone. (Often, if she waits to address it, her response loses some of her immediacy and the results aren’t as good. She can always ask to speak to her husband alone for a few moments.)
I suggested that the next time her husband said something offensive, she could respond with something like, “I can’t keep letting you talk to me like this. When you talk to me like that, it hurts me deeply. It affects our marriage and my ability to feel close to you. I’m not sure if you realize how hurtful your words are or how they sound to me. That’s why I’m bringing this to your attention starting today. and my well-being are important enough to you as to stop this. And if there’s any underlying problem or something you really want to tell me, then by all means tell me. But any time you say something that hurts me deeply, I’m going to bring it to your attention because it needs to stop.”
Note that I was very careful to try to make sure this didn’t sound too accusatory. Instead, it’s focusing on a way that you can work together and fix this in a positive way. She is giving her husband the benefit of the doubt and trying to have faith that she will work hard to change. If she doesn’t, she will have to continue to approach him and insist that he stop because hurtful words can hurt very deeply and are in no way healthy for you or your marriage.