I often hear from wives who just don’t understand how their husband can be so callous as to leave her and their children to pursue the other woman in an affair. Often, she tries to ask her husband open-ended questions in an attempt to understand how he could do something like this. But no matter how he responds and no matter how hard she tries to understand, she just can’t.
You may hear a comment like, “I am very disappointed in my husband. We have been married for eight years. We have two children under the age of five. Seven months ago, my husband started an affair with a co-worker. When I found out about it, he not only promised to end the affair, but he quit his job so I wouldn’t have to worry. I was so relieved. But this was short-lived. A couple of months later, my husband started acting strangely again. He finally admitted that he had started the affair again. This time when I asked him to stop, he refused. A couple of weeks after that, he said that he was leaving me because he was in love with her. He told me that he was sincerely sorry and that he hated himself for doing this, but explained to me that he just couldn’t walk away from her. What’s wrong with him and all the other men who leave their children for another woman? It’s such a selfish thing to do.”
I agree that this is an unthinkable action. He disappoints his family in many ways. And I think wives have a really hard time understanding this because it’s something we wouldn’t do. Even when we are unhappy in our marriage, we will often put up with it for the sake of our children. When our husbands don’t do the same, this is so disappointing.
I have a few theories as to why a man might leave his family when he’s in the middle of an affair. I will explain some of them below, but I would like to emphasize that I am in no way making excuses. Because of my own situation, I don’t think there is any valid excuse.
Men often don’t think rationally when having an affair: You know the phrase “I wasn’t in my right mind”? Well, I think this is applicable during an adventure. In order to betray your spouse and yourself, you will often have to act outside of your normal, rational selves. Because if you were not able to do this, it would be very difficult to carry out your deception. In a sense, you have to turn off your regular rational thinking and regular emotions. And this is a way that they can leave those who are most important to them. They’re just not having their normal thought processes. This does not excuse their behavior, but it may offer insight into why they are not acting as they normally would.
They know they can’t look their family in the eye every day and keep doing what they’re doing: Often, cheating husbands live with a high degree of guilt. Every time they have to come home and see their children’s faces, every time they have to look into the trusting eyes of their spouse, they feel pain and guilt. Many cheaters will explain how hard and difficult it is to live this kind of double life. Then it becomes clear that he can no longer live this way. For whatever reason, he’s not ready or willing to end the matter, so he cowardly takes the route and walks away from his family so he doesn’t have to feel guilty every time he has to look at them.
Of course, neither of these things is a valid excuse. And even if she comes home and begs for forgiveness, it can be extremely difficult for the wife to look at him the same way again. I am not saying that healing is impossible because it is not. But the husband will probably have a lot of work to do over a long period of time if he wants to get her family back. It is very important that he show his wife that he fully understands how deplorable her actions were. It’s even more important that he have a plan to make sure this never happens again.
And, some men never realize their mistake. Some do not return to their families, which is even sadder. Some really want to try to return to their families, but fear rejection. But many husbands realize their mistake and then desperately try to reason and negotiate with their wives. At that point, the wife has to choose whether she believes her marriage is worth saving or whether she believes her husband can be rehabilitated. This is a decision that only she can make. But she will often consider her willingness to go in order to be held accountable for her actions and put in place safeguards so that this does not happen again.