Have you ever thought about getting a tattoo of your zodiac sign? What will it look like and what does it mean? Don’t do it until you read this.
13: Aries, the Ram. All you have to do is take one look at the symbol of this sign and the case for its existence should be permanently closed; two round spheres with a stick dangling between them. Nothing raises the question “Where’s the meat” better than this Freudian slip, that is, unless you’re actually looking for the meat.
12: Taurus, the Bull. What better design to show the raw strength and virility of the most powerful of all stallions, the bull; How about a half of a circle that falls on top of a full one? The best that can be said about this is that the creator started drawing something similar to the Ram, he thought better of it halfway through and lost interest.
11: Gemini, the Twins. Creativity hit its nadir when the crafters of this sign hit the wall of imagination and settled for the Roman numeral two. Twins = two. Bright! Unless you’re happy with being number 2 or don’t mind being asked “two what?” all the time, stay away from this zodiac tattoo.
10: Cancer, the Crab. This zodiac sign is a gag-filled mess waiting to happen on its own, but the designers chose to beat the phallic train yet again in this erect, mirrored, sideways version of the Ram, which could easily have been called “Cancer, the Dueling Penis.” I’m not sure what happened to the architects of this star sign other than the obvious, but expect a barrage of jokes as you try to explain this choice.
9: Leo, the Lion. What could you choose to represent the mighty king of the jungle, the quintessential image of strength and courage, the guardian of all God’s creatures? How about a silhouette of Doris Day’s hairstyle?
8: Virgo, the Virgin. What do the New York Yankees and the zodiac sign of Virgos have in common? They both share the same logo, so unless you’re a Yankees fan, a virgin, or both, this design can make you look a bit fake and cause trouble when visiting Boston.
7: Libra, the Scale. Just when you thought the designers of the zodiac signs were straying from their anatomical fixation, comes Libra and the first recorded horizontal drawing of the gravity-defying breast implant. What else could it be?
6: Scorpio, the Scorpion. Scorpios are independent, dynamic, very deep and intense, truly unique. Which image best represents your uniqueness and unpredictable strength, and proclaims to the world that you are proud Scorpios? Why not the letter “M”?
5: Sagittarius, the Archer. The last of all the zodiac signs, this design is just plain weak. A stick figure arrow pointing to nowhere, with a line drawn through it as if scratched off and on to another intent, only to be forgotten and never come back to it.
4: Capricorn, the Goat. LSD was thought to have been first synthesized in 1938 by Albert Hoffman. The story was evidently wrong, confirmed after just one look at this zodiac sign, and if this hodgepodge of lines makes any sense to you, you’re obviously stoned too.
3: Aquarius, the Water Bearer. Almost prescient, this attempt falls one point short of the abbreviation for the World Wide Web.
2: Pisces, the Fish. After discovering hallucinogens and overcoming their adolescent fixation on genitalia, the founders of the zodiac signs take acid, travel back in time, and build the logo of a major corporation to complete the twelve zodiac signs in their typical weak form.
1: And the number 1 reason you should avoid a zodiac tattoo design. You share that design with over 500,000 people, and you could do better on your own, too.