I have this belief about men: I believe that ALL men want nothing more than to be good providers. I think each of them deeply desires the ability to provide their partner with things like safety, financial security, loyalty, patience, kindness, understanding, and great sex.
Yes, there are some men who do not have confidence in their power to provide. (Today more than ever you see men like this). This lack of confidence causes many to act controlling, jealous, arrogant, lazy, avoidant, childish, selfish, etc. However, these men and their problems are a different article.
The point I’m making here is this: if you act like a woman who truly deeply appreciates a confident man’s gifts of love (his affection, luxury items like jewelry, chores done around the house to lighten your load, etc.), you will start to feel better and better about yourself as a man and will want to keep breaking his back to get more of your gratitude to build confidence.
And sex is no exception.
So what is the best way to be a man’s dream lover? Stop trying to please him and start LETTING him gratify, satisfy, delight, excite and TURN you ON with his sexual gifts!
Sure, a guy isn’t going to turn down quality fellatio, but believe it or not, it’s how arousing YOU get during sex that makes or breaks it for him. And this is especially true if he wants to be in a relationship with you.
Think of yourself as a mirror, reflecting back to him how good he is in bed. The more you TRULY enjoy her caresses, kisses, nibbles and pushes, the better lover she thinks she is. And the better lover he thinks he is, you got it!, the better lover he thinks YOU are!
Sounds so easy, right? “I just relax, focus on genuinely satisfying my sexual needs and receiving pleasure, and he’s happy as a clam? That can’t be hard!”
Actually, it can be quite difficult. It goes against everything so many of us have been taught, and it’s really hard to do under the WRONG circumstances!
Many of us have been taught to be proper ladies. We’ve been taught not to talk about sex like it’s something slimy, juicy, dirty, musky, wild, sweaty, and slippery. Even reading those adjectives on this page can make you blush or shudder. “Slippery and juicy? That’s kind of gross.” Well guess what? Your body doesn’t think so.
A few years ago, before I started making relationship counseling a career, I talked to quite a few sexually shy women. My ex-husband was from a religious family and culture, and most of his cousins and friends were shy about sex. They wanted to please their husbands in the bedroom and they wanted to enjoy sex, but they didn’t know how to relax enough, feel comfortable enough, and feel that they had enough permission to fully express their pleasure.
They were so concerned with the man’s pleasure that they never gave a thought to their own. When I told them that a man’s pleasure was wrapped up in his pleasure, they were overwhelmed and afraid that they wouldn’t look pleased enough into their man’s eyes.
So if you are also shy and ashamed of your sexuality, let me, right now, give you permission not to be shy and not worry as much about SEEMING pleased as actually BEING pleased. Many men can feel the difference between putting on music and getting really turned on.
Say to yourself, “Kristina gives me permission to be a free girl in the bedroom. She gives me permission to dedicate myself in the bedroom, because that’s really what HE wants. She gives me permission to let my wildest fantasies run wild.” play in the playground.” of my imagination whenever I want. She says that being a sexual woman is not a sin, so my body is free of sexual shame.”
Also, fully enjoying sex can be much more difficult with a guy you don’t really know well. When you have sex with someone you don’t feel emotionally safe with, your body is less likely to surrender to that person’s touch and sex. You end up acting instead of experimenting!
A good test to know if your body feels safe with someone is to think about whether or not you would leave that person alone in your house when you are not there. If you can’t trust a man with your TV, why the hell would you trust him alone in your bedroom with your beautiful, precious, naked body?
Look, I’m not against casual sex, but remember that you want a healthy mind and body that is drawn to (and completely surrenders to) safety and love, not precariousness and anatomy.
Here are some suggestions to help you feel more sexual and in your body and begin to authentically WANT, LOVE, NEED and ENJOY your man’s sex:
Don’t beat yourself up for the ways you’ve acted sexually with men in the past.. You are still alive and your heart still beats with love to give! Don’t let a memory take away the spirit of your soul and your desire to experience sexual bliss. Forget that drunken night in the backseat of that weird guy’s car, because almost everyone has a memory like that, and start thinking about the kind of sex you want to have now and in the future.
STOP reading articles on how to give amazing oral sex.How are you going to focus on your pleasure if you’re preoccupied with figuring out how to make one hand move to one side, the other to move to the other side, and your mouth to go up and down, all at the same time? His penis is not a shake weight. He wants you to enjoy what you are doing, not stress.
GIVE YOURSELF to your man’s nonsexual affection as often as you can.. I often use the image of butter on a hot metal spoon, where you are the butter and your touch is the spoon. Melt into her tenderness. Make a conscious effort to relax your muscles when it’s your turn, and start out of the room. Allow yourself to look him in the eye and say silently, “That feels like heaven, beautiful man.” Or say it out loud.
Let HIM undress you in bed. With each article of clothing she removes, surrender to her touch, an aspect of your vulnerability.
Don’t dress up or worry about putting on stiff, itchy lingerie. for him that makes you feel anything but sensual. Use WHATEVER makes you feel deliciously meaty and carnal.
Face and resolve insecurities, childhood traumas and irrational fears.you have surrounding sex. Seek the help of a professional if necessary. My therapist was and is a life saver.
Face and resolve any anger and resentment you have toward your man.. Emotional issues quickly seep into the bedroom, and you won’t give in to his affections if you’re mad at him.
Try, to the best of your ability, NOT to fill in the moments of discomfort or stillness during intercourse.jumping to please him or trying to show him that you are a wonderful lover who is up for many positions and can turn at incredible speed. Try to do any at those times and just give in to the discomfort until your body lets you know what it wants next.
Be open to accepting their passion gifts. If he wants to give you long, wet kisses, don’t rush him or reject them. Let him guide you and ask yourself if you like kissing. If so, Surrender to them. If not, guide him to the pleasure you desire, such as gently taking his hand and placing it on your breast.
Try really hard not to look at yourself. Give your body and voice free range to move, wiggle, yell, and laugh however you want. The best way to do this is to focus on one thing you are doing and let yourself be carried away by that feeling. If it’s inside you, focus on the walls of your vagina and how good it feels against them. This will take your mind off how you THINK you look and sound to him.
Don’t be afraid to encourage him by letting him know how well he is doing:say, “You feel so good inside me” or “Do you feel how wet you make me?” But make sure you MEAN the things he says. Don’t say them when he’s really feeling sore, irritated, tense, and anxious.
If you feel numb, anxious, or bothered by a position or its speed, slow down your breathing and tell it you want to change or stop.I give you permission to take breaks for a moment while making love, or to stop altogether if you feel physically uncomfortable or emotionally overwhelmed.
Allow yourself to feel seen as a person., not just as a body to be used. remember the movie Bridesmaids? Do you remember the sex at the beginning of the movie where he was masturbating in different positions and she was miserable and so disconnected from him? Don’t allow this. You deserve connection, and so does he, so connect with his eyes and let him see that you are grateful for his sexual gifts.
Surrender to their effort to please by having an IMAGE: He is your sexual hero, he is the man of your dreams who wants nothing more than to contain your feelings and take care of your sexual needs. He is your willing and eager sexual servant, your protector who longs to be inside your soft and luscious body…
Tell yourself that there is time for your orgasm!He has time for you and enjoys taking you to the climax.
Give yourself pleasure when you are alone.If you’re embarrassed about masturbating, write in your journal (if you don’t have a love journal, I suggest you get one and start writing in it) about why you think this is so, and then at the end of the journal entry, write yourself a small mantra that gives you permission to be free from shame and enjoy your own pleasure. If you are not ashamed of masturbating and in fact reach orgasm that way faster than with a man, ask yourself how you can begin to feel comfortable and vulnerable enough to enjoy sex as you do for your own pleasure.
If you give him oral sex (if he wants this and you’re up for it, please don’t deny him), think about how you can please yourself while pleasing him. Think of his penis as YOUR personal pleasure wand. Let each of your licks and caresses excite YOU by imagining that you are lubricating and preparing your precious pleasure wand for your vaginal pleasure. Trust me, he won’t complain about being your precious pleasure toy.
Men WANT you to have a great time in bed. She greatly builds her power to provide, and gives them permission to let go and not care about you. If they know you’re having fun and feel safe and can talk when you’re not happy, that frees them up to have fun too. This also makes you a dream lover in his eyes.
In every other part of the relationship, I tell women to be selfless while maintaining boundaries and communicating their needs. In the bedroom, I give you full permission to be selfish. He wants your selfish sexual attitude! He just thinks of you saying, “Oh my gosh! That feels amazing. Keep doing it. Never stop!” being equivalent to him saying, “Let’s go out and buy you diamonds, baby!”