As I got older (and bigger) I came to a conclusion: fat looks better dark! So, as summer approaches, I’m looking forward to wearing my shorts (let alone a bathing suit!). With all the dangers associated with tanning beds, I decided to try a spray tan. If you’ve never had a spray tan, live vicariously through me and then decide!
Step One: Call ahead to make an appointment. Decide when to go based on when the store is least busy (like no one knows fake tanning).
Step Two: The “Tan Technician” tells me to exfoliate and not to use lotions or makeup.
Step Three: Decide to shower right before your appointment. Exfoliate.
Step Four: Get out of the tub.
Step Five: Notice that you have a lot of HAIR (under and around the places to be spray tanned) and get back in the tub.
Step Six: Shave the places you can’t see. He is impressed with my ability to stretch and bend like a pretzel. I wonder if there is enough hair to donate to “Locks of Love”.
Step Seven: I wonder if what my two-year-old daughter just witnessed will scar her for life.
Step Eight: Go to the tanning salon without lotion or makeup (resist the urge to itch immediately after shaving and feel a new “bad butt.”
Step Nine: Act like I’m not uncomfortable as I strip down to a thong. Feel good about the decision to shave (places down there).
Step Ten: Put on a silly shower cap.
Step Eleven: Try not to make eye contact with the “spray tan lady” as the actual act of spraying another naked person is quite uncomfortable.
Step Twelve: Silently clap inside as long as she doesn’t ask me to “bend down” to spray her real butt (the white tan line doesn’t bother me!).
Step Thirteen: I wonder if the “Tan Technician” thinks the stretch marks and veins on my butt are a real map.
Step Fourteen: Pretend you don’t realize that she has to go over your buttocks about 5 times (while all other areas did once).
Step Fifteen: Pretend it’s not uncomfortable as you pull your legs up to ensure there are no “bikini line” tan lines.
Step Sixteen: Let things dry. Take the board as it dries and dance in the mirror with the shower cap on after the tanning woman leaves the room.
Step Seventeen: Get out of the tanning salon and pretend that that tan girl and I are probably married in some countries (considering the things she’s seen!)
Step Eighteen: Put all the tanning solutions back on the shelves that my two year old has removed.
Step Nineteen: Remove the “palm tree” tan stickers from my daughter’s hair (and other body parts).
Step Twenty: Look in the mirror and think again, “Yeah, even fat ones look better tanned!”
Step Twenty One: Look fabulous with a spray tan without the risk of the sun!
Step Twenty-Two: Tell everyone about the experience I had and certainly encourage them to go through the same things I had to go through!