I’m not a fan of homemade wedding vows. I’ve been to weddings when, after exchanging vows, you look around and say, “Huh? Are they married?” How can you know sometimes? I know he is her sunshine on a rainy day and she is her spring flower blooming in the sunshine, but are they married?
Our wedding vows were quite traditional.
“I, Terry, take you, Laura, my lawfully wedded wife. I promise to be faithful to you through thick and thin, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to have and to retain from this day forward. until death do us part. I promise to love and honor you all the days of my life.”
That’s all – clear, concise. If I take it seriously, it will define my priorities and my choices, my mistakes and my celebrations in every moment of my life. With all that at stake with the clarity of my promise, I’m glad the vow is so brief and so clear.
These promises have saved me from making some really bad decisions that I would immediately regret and could weigh down on me for a long time. They keep directing me every day. They are there, always influencing me, encouraging me and pushing me. I cherish and trust them, like a touchstone, throughout my life.
Our marriage is my calling. It is more than a legal obligation. It is a blessing, a gift from my God. It is not a domestic arrangement or a financial negotiation. It is a sacred trust. It is not a one-time thing, generated to start a great party with food, wine, dancing, bouquets of flowers and garters. It is a promise to dig deep and work on this for the rest of my life. It’s giving up my bachelorhood for something bigger. It is not a sacrifice of my individuality. It is a promise to identify my individuality within the framework of a shared life.
When things aren’t going the way you’d like, you may think, “I didn’t sign up for this.” Well here is the wake up call. Yes, you did it. That’s exactly what you signed up for. That’s why we say “till death do us part”. Wedding vows are more demanding in difficult times. It is then that I can most clearly show that I actively love my wife.
Marriage is a contact sport, so wear your pads. It is not for impressionable people. It is not for the meek or the insecure. Our wedding day promises require that we continue to work tirelessly on this one relationship above all others. When we make these vows, we are committing our lives to one purpose, one priority: our marriage. Nothing comes before her but our relationship with God. Not our children, careers, friends, or extended family. This relationship with this person is the priority against which all other decisions and relationships are measured.
The truth is, if we get this right (and note I didn’t say “perfect”), then the whole world of possibility in every other dimension of our lives opens up to us with infinite depth and color. I guarantee that if you get the marriage piece of your life going full steam ahead, the rest of your life will explode with wealth.
Wedding vows are actions, not feelings. We promise to love, not “be in love” for the rest of our lives. It is a verb, not a noun. My vows force me to step up when, in a precise circumstance, I may not even like my wife very much. I have to remind myself that I love her and act on it.
Saint Augustine said: “First, love God and then do as you please.” (I am paraphrasing.) If we love God first, then the options for subsequent actions within that priority will direct us in our next step.
So it is with marriage. I promised to love (a verb) my wife all the days of my life. This is my priority. If I really live this promise every day, the options available to fill the moments of my life must all be within the framework of my promise to love her first. I love my wife and then I do what I please, always in that order.
Remember, “love” is a verb!
© Terry Bachynski, May 2009