The hardest challenge for a woman in a relationship seems to be having her man and her feelings in the same room at the same time. It makes sense when you consider that most men will answer a woman’s question about how she feels about her relationship with what she’s thinking about it. Men don’t mean to be difficult or obtuse, but it’s hard for them to ignore their conditioning from childhood.
I grew up in a violent, angry, and constantly tumultuous home. Everyone had strong feelings towards others, so no one was incapable of expressing anger, indignation, or any other emotion related to the tumult, chaos, and lack of money. But neither of my parents ever asked me how I felt or told me how they felt. No one was willing to be vulnerable because there was no sense of security. My first lesson on feelings was to keep them to myself, and it was a lesson I practiced until I was forty.
So, a man meets a woman and they start a relationship. His first storyline is circular and only ends when someone walks away. Circular arguments result when both partners keep telling each other what they think of each other. They angrily share why the argument is the other person’s fault. Accusations fill the air. Eventually, the pile of unresolved issues becomes so high that it falls over under its own weight, and the relationship ends with bad feelings all around.
I’ve heard enough stories of men in bad relationships to realize that the root of many relationship problems is a complete lack of emotional communication. Are women more adept at talking about their feelings than men? Few would say that they are not. Women are more likely to want to resolve relationship problems by talking about how they feel than men. But what I’ve learned from working with men over the decades is that men would like to share how they feel, too, but don’t know how.
I have written extensively about why relationship problems cannot be resolved on an uneven playing field. Women have a huge emotional advantage, which prevents many men from showing up to a game they know in advance they are going to lose, and worse, looking like fools for losing. What I haven’t written enough about is what I’ve learned that can help level the playing field.
A woman who wants to know what her partner feels must be prepared. She may not like what she hears when her man connects to her heart and shares her feelings. However, what she shares is her truth, because it comes from her heart, not her head. In fact, it is the absolute truth of her, so there is no room for discussion on that. No one can tell another person that she doesn’t agree with that person’s feelings. Thoughts are debatable opinions. Feelings are not.
The first time I shared my feelings with a woman, I realized how important safety was to me. My girlfriend asked me how she felt about getting married. I responded that my trust issues with women had not yet been fully resolved and while I was solving them, I was still too afraid and anxious to get married. I further explained that my trust issues with women stemmed from my mother not protecting me from my father. She said that she understood, and I felt that we had made some progress in our relationship.
When he mentioned it again a week later, I repeated what I had told him a few days before. She blew up and yelled at me, “Yeah right, and I got the shit out of your mom.” I was devastated that he used what he had shared with her to hit me over the head. I told her that using the feelings I had shared with her against me in a moment of anger was betrayal. Once again, she said that she understood.
Jumping to the chase, this scenario was repeated a week later and I told him I was out of the relationship. Without trust, there can be no love, and clearly, she was not someone I could trust to share my feelings. There are no excuses for using feelings shared in a vulnerable moment against the person who shared them, especially in a moment of anger. That is a profound betrayal that will kill any future dialogue about sharing feelings. Security is key if a woman wants a man to share her feelings.
If a woman wants to know what her man feels, she has to keep in her heart what he shares with her. This information can be of great help in resolving differences if used appropriately. Supporting a man who is taking a leap of faith means thanking him for her candor and letting him know that you’re grateful that she’s dug in. Whatever her problem is, once it’s on the table, it presents an opportunity to work it out together and grow the relationship in a meaningful way. As long as trust is part of sharing feelings, love will flourish.