When I got divorced, I was a basket case. My emotions were out of control. I would be very excited in the blink of an eye. I dreaded going to work for fear of breaking down and embarrassing myself in front of my coworkers. Lurid memories of how life used to be were frequent.
My personal experience using the traditional approach to divorce recovery
To “get over” my divorce, I did what my friends and family suggested. I joined a support group for divorced people and started going to therapy. I stormed out. And I held out hope that if all else failed, the passage of time would make the pain go away.
After a few months it seemed to have worked. I was no longer ruled by arbitrary and out of control emotions. I no longer dreaded going to work every day, even though my performance was still below my previous levels.
However, to my dismay, I realized that something was wrong. I still didn’t feel well. I felt like I was missing some important pieces of a 1000 piece puzzle.
Then I realized why I was uncomfortable. The future was terrifying to behold. And I couldn’t make the memories of the past disappear.
The future terrifies me. She was afraid of never finding true love again. She was afraid that if she ever remarried me, it would end in divorce too. He was afraid that he was destined to die alone and alone. He was afraid that he would not be able to survive financially. I was afraid that my old friends would reject me. I was afraid that my ex would turn my daughters against me.
Not only was the fear of the future making me miserable, but also the memories of things from the past that I had lost intruded on my daily life.
The memories haunted me. Memories of my past life hit me like a random electric shock reminding us of what I had lost. I had lost my dream of living “till death do us part” with my spouse (now ex-spouse). I had lost the wonderful routine of playing with my daughters when I came home from work each day. I had lost my previous standard of living. I had lost the stability of companionship with my partner. I had lost my plan to build our dream house. I had lost all hope that my life would ever be happy again. She had lost the security and comfort of having a partner to spend her life with.
The problem begins to arise in me
Several years (and a second divorce) later, I began to put it all together: After the divorce, I had been successful in managing the current The problem at that time was how to calm my feelings that had completely interrupted my daily life.
However, he had ignored the problems of the past and how memories of my past life with my ex intruded on my daily life. Also, I had ignored my fear of future, and especially how to make sure I never end up in divorce court again.
I turned to the Traditional Approach to Divorce Recovery for help, and found it incomplete.
The traditional approach to divorce recovery is incomplete and doesn’t work very well.
The traditional approach to divorce recovery treats the divorce as the cause of emotional trauma that needs to be cured
It focuses only on neutralizing the current. feelings caused by divorce. His only goal is not to have flashbacks or emotional breakdowns. The traditional approach takes a long time, usually measured in years, and has second and third marriage divorce rates of over 60%.
The traditional approach told me that recovery from divorce is just about putting an end to disturbing feelings. Turns out there’s more to it than that.
The new approach changes the way we think about recovering from divorce
The New Approach to Divorce Recovery Treats Divorce as the Cause of Trauma life transition that must be navigated and managed.
See neutralizing distressing feelings as just the first step in a multi-step process. The goal of the new approach is to lead you into your life after divorce, not only without the burden of feelings caused by the divorce, but also with the confidence that a new relationship will not end up in divorce court again.
What are the steps in the new approach?
The Traditional Approach ignores the effects that the past and the future have on recovery from divorce. In contrast, the New Focus incorporates the past and the future and makes the past-present-future nature of the transition central to divorce recovery. The New Approach consists of three steps:
Step 1: Stabilize and neutralize your current reactions to their divorce.
Step 2: Dissolve your reluctance to release the past and accept your new life situation by dissolving resistance to change.
Step 3: Prepare for your future.
Divorce recovery, I finally realized, is the psychological transition where we adjust to the fact that we are no longer in a relationship with our ex, but are now single again. And dissolving resistance to change is the fundamental key for that transition to be successful.