A deeper look at relationships: defenses (not listening and others).
I’ve been talking to Rachel, now 21, on and off since the summer before I entered the University of Missouri. Some of our talks deal with concerns that are “normal” for a young woman in college: dating, first love, grade anxiety, and doubts about her choice of veterinary school as a major.
But, most of our talks are about Rachel’s relationship with Taylor, her mother, who is 48 years old. That relationship is chronically upsetting for Rachel. She creates most of the anxiety and sadness and takes up valuable work and study time. Here are some examples why.
Background.
Taylor had come to Columbia to spend the night with Rachel for just a brief visit. But on Saturday afternoon, right after he arrived, he asked Rachel why she thought they didn’t get along most of the time. Rachel said that she didn’t want to talk about it. They had had this conversation many times in the past and nothing ever changed. Not only does it annoy Rachel, but it’s also exhausting. And, Rachel had to study a little before she and her mom went out to dinner and a movie that night.
Her mother asked the same question again, twice, completely ignoring what Rachel had said. Rachel thought, Here it is again, Mom’s old habit of pushing to get what she wants. Rachel did what she always did with her mom; she relented. (Rachel is an over the top likable personality).
“Okay,” Rachel said, “one of the reasons we don’t get along is that you don’t listen to me.” Taylor protested that: of course he listens. When Rachel repeated that Taylor doesn’t really listen to her, Taylor asked, “When?” So, Rachel gave her mom two examples, one from the past when she was still living at home and one from a few weeks ago.
Rachel’s First Example: Rachel reminded her mom that when the ‘Hello Kitty’ craze hit a few years ago, Rachel was already a senior in high school, 18 years old. She was too old to be interested, but Taylor, who is an immature Comfort-style personality, loved the ‘Hello Kitty’ products.
When Taylor brought home a ‘Hello Kitty’ pillow for Rachel’s room, Rachel told her mom that she hated the ‘Hello Kitty’ hype. So, she would appreciate it if her mom didn’t buy her any more of those things. A clear message.
Over the next six months, ‘Hello Kitty’ stuff appeared in Rachel’s room often. When Rachel told Taylor that she really appreciated her kindness, but once again, she didn’t want it anymore, Taylor cried for a long time. (Crying is one of Taylor’s most used defenses.) The same thing happened when Rachel protested for the third time. More persistent crying. Rachel finally gave up trying to be heard and the only way she could put the ‘Hello Kitty’ stuff behind her was by going off to college the next fall.
Rachel’s second example. A similar incident occurred just a few weeks ago between Rachel and Taylor. Rachel had been in a year-long relationship with a guy she cared about. When the relationship ended, it was quite painful.
When Rachel, now 21, came home from college for a weekend visit shortly after the breakup, she gave her parents some details about why the relationship ended. She made it clear to them that she felt sad about it and she wanted to put it behind her.
And yet, during that conversation, Taylor pressed Rachel for more and more details. When Rachel wavered, Taylor strongly suggested that Rachel had been the problem in the relationship and maybe that’s why it had ended. Rachel was so hurt that she couldn’t even tell her parents the truth: the boy had cheated on her twice and she was glad they didn’t see each other anymore.
How did Taylor take these two examples of her Not Listening? She did what she has always done: she first denied her own behavior and then cried for an hour. Rachel got so nervous that she decided to go outside and study instead of trying to focus on her condo. Rachel has listened to Taylor’s crying for so many years that she doesn’t want to take it anymore. it’s so exhausting
What’s wrong with this relationship?
- Rachel is more mature, more responsible, and a clearer thinker than Taylor.
Rachel’s mom may be older than her daughter, but in terms of responsibility for their own conduct taylor is still emotionally young.
- Taylor has been manipulating Rachel since she was a child. Not just for (a) not listening, but also for (b) subtle and not-so-subtle guilt, and for (c) whining and complaining, (d) crying, and (e) feeling hurt when confronted with her own behavior. All of these behaviors are defenses that keep reality out. And, so far, they have kept Rachel confused and bewildered.
- Rachel is a typical exaggerated pleaser. She may briefly think about setting verbal limits for her mother, but she doesn’t follow through. She always gives in to what her mom wants.
- Rachel can’t say “No.” Pleasers always say “Yes,” either with their words or with their behavior, usually both. It’s not even a thought in Rachel’s head that she not only has the right to say “No,” but that she has an obligation to herself to say “No.” Everyone has the right to privacy. And, everyone is entitled to self-respect.
Two hours after their argument, Rachel returned to her apartment after studying. Her mom acted as if nothing had happened. So it has always been. Rachel knows this type of “talk” will happen again, probably many times, in the future because Taylor is so manipulative. When you’re in Rachel’s position in a relationship, this type of exchange is exhausting! And harmful. Although Rachel loves her mother, she feels it too. And unless one of them changes her behavior, the resentment will only deepen over time.
Solutions.
A. It’s all so avoidable. I wish Taylor recognized that good relationships need: (1) good communication that starts with listening, (2) respect for each other’s boundaries, and (3) the people in them being open and helpless or not functioning. True affection, friendship and/or intimacy just don’t flourish where the poison of manipulation exists.
But Taylor isn’t willing to look at herself and refuses to talk to Rachel and me. It also doesn’t seem hopeful that she’ll agree to work on herself in the future. So any positive change in the relationship has to come from Rachel.
Two. Rachel must decide:
- She stops being so afraid of damaging the relationship when she respectfully stands up for herself. Taylor loves her daughter, so Rachel’s fear of losing the relationship is unrealistic. In time, Taylor will accept Rachel’s change in behavior, precisely because she loves her daughter. But Rachel has to stick with it.
- Rachel needs to learn to set limits, both verbally and with her behavior. Setting boundaries is a way of saying “No,” and she’ll remember that Pleasers aren’t really familiar with that word. Rachel needs to practice saying “No” respectfully and consistently. Sooner or later her mom will accept it.
- Rachel needs to understand that she is not responsible for her mom’s feelings. As long as Rachel is respectful of her mother, she has the right to be responsible and respectful of herself in telling the truth when asked by her mother. Her mom is responsible for understanding her own feelings and working through them herself.
If you’re Taylor or Rachel, consider making these changes. Emotional safety, closeness, and intimacy depend on your changed behaviors.
You can learn more about defenses in my Defense Table.