You can’t do it for them… honestly, I’ve tried!
You can’t diet for them. You can’t exercise for them. You can’t manage their money for them. Y…
You can’t get rid of their things and get organized for them.
It doesn’t matter how bad it gets.
Trust me, I’ve tried. I have begged, begged, coerced and scolded.
You see, like many married couples and partnerships, my husband and I are complete opposites. What I see as trash, he sees as treasure. What I see broken, he sees repairable. What I want to throw away, he wants to keep.
For thirty-seven years we have been doing this dance. A dance in which we step on our toes, a lot!
What I had to learn from this dance, often the hard way, was that I couldn’t do this for him. I couldn’t force him. threaten him Ranting or raving. Or show my teeth and growl.
There was no way to move this man until he was ready. Until he saw the value in doing it.
If I pushed before he was ready, that would only drive us both crazy. And his feet sank deeper. There is no way to move a rock that big.
So what do we do when we want to have a clean and tidy home, well organized, with a place for everything and everything in its place IF our partners do the opposite?
It’s a question I often hear, how do I “get” my husband (wife, lover, children, family member, roommate…) to get rid of his mess and clean up after himself?
Good question, and the answer is multifaceted, layered, and often complicated.
But, the simple answer is this –> You can’t!
You can’t force them to do anything. It only happens when they are ready, when they see the value in doing it, or when something sets them off to take action.
And, the action is theirs to take. To fulfill the task. For it to happen.
That is if you want sustainable success and a more peaceful relationship!
Harass someone into submission, or dump their stuff without permission, and a war of wills ensues. A war that could be silent but deadly, or an outburst of outrage.
Nobody wins when that happens. Yeah, I’ve been there with that too!
So what do you do, you ask?
Here are three helpful tips…
Tip #1. Recognize that your definition is not theirs. Believe it or not, there is no single definition of clutter. Each person sees it differently. What you see as clutter is not necessarily how they see it. So please clarify your definitions of clutter, organized, and neat. This will help with tip #2.
Tip #2. Set some rules and limits. Sit down with your spouse or family and discuss this together. Define which areas of the house are communal, the ones that are used regularly by everyone. What areas are personal? And which areas are considered totally “off limits” by anyone but you. Determine what is allowed, or not, in all spaces of the home, but especially in the common ones. These are the ones that cause the most conflict. Set boundaries clearly AND discuss what happens if those boundaries are crossed.
Tip #3. Show by example. Get going and make your own areas. It starts with you! When you show it by doing, the energy moves and often your spouse and family will follow. You can start with “Throwaway Thursdays”.
And remember that these are baby steps. No matter how small the step, recognize it as a step in the right direction. Those small steps build on each other with amazing results.