When I was in my twenties and thirties, my social life was filled with potential dates. Men I met at church, golfing, or at the beach would ask me out. Today, as a writer, I spend most of my time alone at home working. It’s not a great place to meet anyone but the postman. So, like many women, I have used newspaper and internet ads to find a potential boyfriend. As an older and hopefully wise woman, I offer the following advice:
1. Always trust your intuition, even if it doesn’t make sense. If someone’s photo or voicemail seems a little creepy, trust your instincts. Your intuition does not have to be explained or offered to anyone. What you feel is what you feel and you need to honor yourself. If you ever find yourself in a position where you’re trying to talk yourself into dating, stop and ask yourself how you really feel. What is the first sensation that occurs? Honor your first intuition.
2. Please do not provide any personal information for a long time. Meet a man in a public place for a cup of coffee or a quick drink. Don’t give him your last name. If you like him, agree to meet him again in another public place, perhaps at a restaurant for dinner or lunch. For the third date, meet him again in a public place, and if you feel safe after that, feel free to start providing some personal information. I know some women who have had terrible experiences dating men they met online. They all gave personal information too soon. One of these women had to spend months prosecuting a stalker. It is better to be too safe than sorry.
3. Pay attention to red flags. There he is, across the table, telling you what a nice guy he is, when he sneaks out, abandons his kids, or gets drunk on the weekends. Sure, it justifies his actions and demonizes his ex-wife or her last love, but there are two sides to every story. If you’re looking for a nice guy or trying to avoid an irresponsible guy, move on. If you can’t meet him face to face, send him an email when you get home.
4. Give the good guy a second chance. Sometimes we meet a very nice guy but we don’t feel any attraction. In the long run, you might be much better off with a reliable partner you can rely on than a guy with a lot of bling. Give the good guy a second date and be open. You may surprise yourself.
5. When you meet someone, don’t worry about what they think of you; find out what you think of him. Does it have characteristics that you value? Women are often trained to care more about how we will meet another person’s expectations. We dress, talk, and act in the hope that the guy will like us. Let go. Be yourself and focus on getting to know him. Is it someone you want to spend more time with? If so, let him know at the end of the appointment or send him a nice email when you get home. It’s better to be rejected by a man you really want to be with than to be with a man you don’t care about even though he really likes you.
Remember that the goal of dating is not just to find “THE ONE”; it is meeting good boys and enjoying the male company. If you meet someone and it leads to a long-term romance or marriage and you both want it, that’s great. In the meantime, relax and enjoy your love life as a single woman.