Over the weekend, I received correspondence from a wife who had noticed her husband acting cold and distant throughout the weekend. He seemed to be picking a fight, he was clearly nervous and displayed body language and postures that indicated something was seriously wrong. Of course, the wife asked him what was bothering him and he proceeded to respond with phrases like “nothing” or “it’s just a bad day”.
The wife was not happy with these responses and continued to press. The husband proceeded to withdraw and act defensive. Finally, after the wife followed and scolded him, he snapped angrily, “Don’t you see I’m miserable with you? If it wasn’t for the kids, I’m not sure I would have.” I want to marry you.” Later, the wife regretted her response (which was to tell the husband that being married to him was not easy either).
Later, when they both calmed down, she asked him if he really meant what he said. The husband took a deep breath and said, “I really don’t want to hurt you, but yeah, I’m just not happy. I don’t know if it’s healthy for either of us to stay married.” The wife wanted my advice on how she should proceed with herself or him, as he was clearly intent on sulking and complaining. I will tell you what I told him in the next article.
Determine what responsibility a wife has for her husband’s misery: The wife admitted that things were not perfect in their marriage. In fact, she had felt a growing distance in her marriage for some time. However, she would never have imagined that her husband was as miserable as she said he was. She suspected that he was projecting some disappointment and misery into other areas of her life and her work on her marriage.
She may well have been right. This is actually a fairly common occurrence. Much of the misery he was feeling may not have started with her, but what was more important than where it came from was the fact that he was equating her negative feelings with her and her marriage. she. This may well be very unfair and even quite inaccurate. But like it or not, this was the reality for her today and even she admitted that the marriage could improve.
So while much of this may not have been his fault, there were certainly areas he could address and improve upon. In a well-functioning marriage, the spouse who is having problems with her work, her life, or her family will usually find comfort and solace in her spouse, rather than blaming her for the problem. The fact that she was doing just that indicated that there was a lot of room for improvement.
So while the onus for the husband’s misery probably didn’t fall entirely on the wife, there was some opportunity to be supportive and let her know that she was there for him, willing to listen and willing to help in any way she needed. she could, which is probably exactly what she would want him to do if the roles were reversed.
Start making improvements in your marriage when your husband wants to be left alone to be miserable: When I explained some of these things to the wife, she balked a bit. She said he was so depressed that he could trip on his lower lip. Granted, it can be hard to get close to someone like that. But, she had been practically ignoring him or trying to convince him that he wasn’t as miserable as he thought, or that, if he was, this was his fault and not hers.
Although this strategy is understandable, it is usually not the most effective. The first step would be to calmly bring this up and say your peace in a positive way that doesn’t continue to encourage or provoke their negative emotions. She might start by saying something like, “I’m so sorry you’re so unhappy right now. I love you and want you to be happy. If there’s anything I can do to help with this, I’m more than willing to do that. I can listen. I can offer support.” I can make some changes if that’s what you need, but I can’t read your mind. Are you willing to talk about this so we can come up with a plan to improve this?”
She had no way of predicting how the husband would react. I can tell you from previous experience that some husbands will continue the negative act and say things like “it’s too late” or “there’s nothing you can do now.” Some men, however, will start meeting you midway, even at first. Regardless of the reaction you get, it’s very important that you respond positively. If they lash out, reply that you’re sorry to hear that and again offer your support. Eventually, as he remains calm, supportive, and positive, it will be harder and harder to remain negative when he refuses to commit to them.
If they tell you some things that could help, by all means, approach them halfheartedly and do what you can to make things better. Although not all of this is your fault, it will only benefit you and your marriage if you can ease the tension, begin to identify and work through the issues, and be the spouse you would like your husband to be if the roles were reversed. If you can do this, chances are good that all the “end the marriage” talk will start to die down as well.