What has happened? Have we succumbed to habitual self-deception and cheating on others out of self-preservation, fear, lack of confidence, or ego? And if so, what damage do we incur in our personal and business lives?
Are we really living in a world that evolves around deception? It seems that the answer is a resounding yes. Without a doubt, it would be extremely difficult to find someone who has not lied, to himself or to others, almost every day of his life.
I suspect that many, who tell the department store clerk “I’ll be right back,” with no intention of coming back, give little consideration to his cheating or lying behavior.
If that was just an isolated instant of deception, not much damage would happen. However, lying is widespread in our culture, and as such, it works quite well for us, helping us to sidestep multiple problems in life and business. It would seem that deception is fundamental to the human condition and is a function that works not just some of the time but most of the time. Or if?
But could we rationalize lying, on one level, as acceptable and on another not so acceptable? We often hear ourselves in small lies when we are caught with our hands in the cookie jar to exaggerations and intentional lies. As you follow through with some sense of curiosity, we get to explore innocent deception as opposed to outright criminal deception and the implications that play out in one’s life.
Studies show that women lie for different reasons than men. Psychologist Robert S. Feldman of the University of Massachusetts Amherst found that women were more likely to lie to make a stranger feel good, and men lie more often to make themselves look good. Studies have shown that men are more likely to lie about their sexual conquests, while women are less likely to disclose their sexual experiences. The many lies we engage in can seem somewhat innocent and are not just verbal, but take forms of non-verbal deception.
Catch me – Catch me:
These are just a few examples of lying: literally making statements and displaying forms of non-verbal behavior that are simply not true.
- Making exaggerated statements during an interview that are heavily embellished to influence or endorse the expanded resume.
- I’ll call you back, never to answer the phone (procrastination or lie?)
- How about that fake blinking smile with the accompanying statement, “Have a nice day.”
- The lies people tell to gain an advantage or to boost a friend’s self-confidence: Your best friend was fired from his job and told you that you didn’t deserve to be fired when, in fact, he knew your performance was always criticized. they were at the lower end of the scale.
- The choreography of deceptive skills to lure a potential mate into sexual activities or a relationship.
It seems that lying will continue to be omnipresent in our lives because it works and helps us reap a head start on social, professional, and financial success.
Self-deception! – Self harm?
Aldert Vrij, Department of Psychology, University of Portsmouth, UK, in his paper says that “people deceive themselves, a process called self-deception. After failing an exam, students often deceive themselves believing that they couldn’t get motivated enough to fully revise for the exam, instead of acknowledging that they don’t understand the subject very well.”
Pulling the wool over our eyes has critical ramifications. Let’s put another spin on this concept of lying to ourselves and see how self-deception breeds procrastination.
The mind can distort the perception of cheating and trigger procrastination and self-harm. Experts agree that procrastinating is unnecessarily putting off, postponing, or delaying a timely activity and is a learned behavior. Self-deception in its most innocent form becomes learned behavior and flows into all areas of life.
Lies begin to take on a life of their own many times tricking us into believing them as truths and because they work, we rely on them.
Example: You are in a retail store admiring a jacket, which you fall in love with, until you see the price. Knowing that she can’t afford it, she puts it back on the shelf, and as she starts to leave, tell the salesperson she’ll be back; the salesman smiles and you’re on your way, knowing full well that was a lie, an innocent lie, but never the less a lie.
Instead, you have a report due first thing in the morning, and your boss stops by your office to remind you. You smile, saying that the report is finished and will be on your boss’s desk first thing in the morning. However, that was not the truth, and you will be burning the midnight oil because you put off making the report for the last week. The next morning you call in sick because you need several more hours to work on the report. Your boss is understanding and gives you a pass until the next day.
Lying worked again, supporting your lying and procrastination behavior. But self-deception serves to protect your ego and self-esteem to a certain extent. Think about a time when you were turned down for a job or a date. The little lie that may have gotten into his explanation when asked why he was turned down was that he wasn’t interested in this person after all, or that the job just didn’t pay enough, so I turned him down. The real reason was that the person was not interested in you and in the job interview you did not qualify (to protect your ego and self-esteem, you lie).
Clients I have worked with over the years come to me with deep-seated fears that are anchored in what they believe to be true about themselves. All of which creates compound habits of procrastination, scarcity, and limitations in your life; That doesn’t mean that people who have everything under control don’t lie. By definition, lying is an intentional act. Someone who doesn’t tell the truth by mistake or believes what he says; not lying A person who mistakenly believes he was shot while he was driving on the highway and reports it to the police has made a false report, but he was not lying.
Political lies:
Did President Bush mislead the world and the American people with his reasons for invading Iraq? And John Kerry, who also supported the invasion of Iraq, also lied to the American public? It seems that they both mistakenly believe that they were telling the truth based on the anecdotal evidence provided to them.
In contrast: After the Monica Lewinsky scandal broke, President Clinton lied ardently, saying he had never had sex with the woman.
Lies directed towards oneself and lies directed towards others:
“Although no gender differences were found in the frequency of lies, it was observed that men and women tend to tell different lies” – Aldert Vrij. Regardless, self-deception in any form, believing that one is less than one is, is detrimental to the full actualization of one’s true capacity and potential in life.
Example: Self-deception (self-oriented lies) that occurs in a person who believes that under any condition he will fail an upcoming exam based on his historical past, he engages in procrastination and avoids what is necessary to take the exam, which prevents the individual from Reach your goal.
Other selfish lies that many get involved in are:
- Hiding information by avoiding questions from others – when you ask your 14 year old son or daughter if they smoke and they answer with a question – does mom/dad really think I smoke?
- A wife withholds her opinion when her husband asks about her sexual satisfaction.
- Many people fear rejection and often try to please others by avoiding giving their opinion on a topic and therefore lying, hiding or avoiding a situation.
Many irrational fears are fostered from self-deception, leading to anxiety, hopelessness, anger, lack of confidence, and low self-esteem.
The consequences of self-deception and lying may not always be the same. Lying under oath will bring stronger consequences than lying about the number of dates you went on this month. Regardless, the true consequence of lying, even though it has worked for you many times, becomes a habit, many habits that can lead to procrastination and self-destruction.