Sometimes I hear from people who feel like they don’t have anyone with whom they can be completely honest about their marriage and the recent infidelity that has threatened it.
Sometimes this concern comes from the faithful spouse. You’ll often hear comments like, “I really wish I had someone to talk to about my husband’s affair. But I don’t want to tell my family or friends because I know they will think less of my husband and think less of me because I might get hurt.” stay with him. I feel like I have to keep this inside myself and keep this terrible secret.”
Other times, you will hear these types of concerns from the cheating spouse. Common comments are things like: “I feel horrible guilt about cheating on my wife. I would do anything to fix this again. I’m so sorry for my behavior. I wish I could talk to someone about this. I’d love to hear some ideas about what might have been wrong.” behind my stupid behavior. I can’t talk to my wife about this because it would hurt her. I can’t talk to any of my friends about this because I don’t want people to know what an idiot I was. I don’t even feel comfortable telling my pastor about this because I feel like my wife wouldn’t want me to know about our marriage. I guess I’ll just have to have conversations in my own head.”
I firmly believe that it is very important to have an outlet for this. But I also know firsthand that you need to be very careful who you share this with. All of the above concerns are extremely valid. If you tell friends, family, or mutual acquaintances, then you run the risk that these people will pass judgment or continue to ask or bring up the matter long after you want to let it go.
Also, listening to other people’s judgments and evaluations of you, your spouse, or your marriage can be very painful. This can affect those close relationships that you really need right now to lean on. So below I will offer some alternatives that might help.
Consider speaking with a professional third party: I know some people may roll their eyes or groan at this suggestion. Because a counselor, marriage or mental health professional is often the first consideration that is often rejected. I know the idea of going to see a stranger and talking about your marriage might seem strange, but think of it this way. A professional has no preconceived notions about you, your marriage, or your spouse. They have no investment on the result. They just want to help you work through the issues and heal. And, when you’re at the end of the process, you don’t have to worry that whatever you say will come back to haunt you.
Consider talking to a friend who doesn’t know your spouse or has no interest in your marriage: Sometimes you have a friend or co-worker that you only know casually or outside of your personal life. In other words, he is someone you never have to worry about coming to your house and confronting or judging your spouse. This is often a co-worker because many people may keep their work and professional lives separate. But sometimes it can be someone you meet at the gym or on the train that you feel comfortable enough getting close to.
Consider talking to the blank page: Many people resist journaling because they’re afraid their spouse will read what they’ve written or they’re a little embarrassed to put their feelings on paper when adolescence is behind them. But I strongly suspect that if you try this for at least a week, you’ll be glad you did.
Frankly, I write in a small word processor that has a password function. That way, I never had to worry about someone reading what he had written. Or you can use a computer and delete the entries if that makes you feel better. Another idea is that you can get a journal with a lock or you can tear out the pages as you finish. Whatever it takes to make you feel free to release your feelings, it’s worth the effort.
People often tell me that they have no idea what to write. If you need a little push, there are a couple of things you can try. I would often read self-help books about infidelity and then write down my reaction. I would write about why I thought the author was right or wrong. And then I continued with my personal situation and my feelings.
Or, you can use open-ended sentences like, “Today my most compelling thought or feeling is _____ and here’s why.” You can try free association and you can write the first thing that comes to mind. You can look at photos in magazines and write about the feelings they provoke in you. Or you can set the timer for five minutes and just start typing and see what comes up.
Regardless of how you pronounce the words, it’s important that you do. Keeping your feelings inside will often keep you stuck. Once you release feelings, they often lose their power and you can begin to work through them. But please talk to someone or something. You don’t want to keep your feelings trapped inside of you. They need to be released so you can begin to heal.