Toxic relationships include relationships with toxic parents. They generally do not treat their children with respect as individuals. They will not compromise, take responsibility for your behavior, or apologize. Often these parents have a mental disorder or have a serious addiction. We all live with the consequences of bad parenting. However, if our childhood was traumatic, we carry wounds from abusive or dysfunctional parenting. When they haven’t healed, toxic parents can re-injure us in ways that hinder growth and recovery. When we grow up with dysfunctional parenting, we may not recognize it as such. It feels familiar and normal. We may be in denial and not realize that we have been emotionally abused, particularly if our material needs were met.
toxic behavior
Here are some questions to ask yourself about your parents’ behavior. If this behavior is chronic and persistent, it can be toxic to your self-esteem.
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Do they overreact, create a scene?
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Do they use emotional blackmail?
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Do they make frequent or unreasonable demands?
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Do they try to control you? “My way or the highway.”
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Do they criticize or compare you?
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Do they listen with interest?
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Do they manipulate, use blame, or play the victim?
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Do they blame you or attack you?
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Do they take responsibility and apologize?
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Do they respect their physical and emotional limits?
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Do they ignore their feelings and needs?
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Do they envy you or compete with you?
Separate from toxic parents
Separation is an emotional concept and has nothing to do with physical proximity. It means not reacting, not taking things personally, and not feeling responsible for another person’s feelings, wants, and needs. Our parents can easily push our buttons. That’s because they’re the ones who put them there! It is harder not to react to our parents than it is to our friends and partners, with whom we are more on an equal footing. (Read “Getting Emotional and What You Can Do”.) Even if you move as far away as possible, emotionally, you may still react and have trouble pulling away.
Be assertive and set limits
Sometimes it is impossible to maintain a healthy behavior when we are around our parents. Our limits were learned in our family. If we disagree, our family, especially parents, can test us. You may have trouble setting new boundaries with your parents. Maybe you have a mom who calls every day or a brother who wants to borrow money or is abusing drugs. Confused, they may attack you or blame your partner or therapist for your new limits.
Relationships with toxic parents can be hard to leave. You may need to distance yourself from your parents to create the boundaries that you cannot set verbally. Some people separate from family for that reason or because of unresolved childhood anger and resentment. Cuts may be necessary in very abusive environments. However, although they reduce emotional tension, the underlying problems remain and can affect all of your relationships. Many family therapists suggest that the ideal way to become independent from your family is to work on yourself in therapy, then visit your parents and practice what you have learned. It is much better for their growth to learn how to respond to abuse. I have seen clients who felt uncomfortable coming home do this. They gradually went from reluctantly staying at their parents’ residence during visits, to being comfortable declining invitations home, to staying in a hotel or with friends without guilt. Some might eventually stay with their parents and enjoy it.
When visiting, pay attention to unspoken rules and communication boundaries and patterns. Try to behave in a way that is different from the role you played growing up. Pay attention to the habits and defenses you use to control anxiety. Ask yourself: “What am I afraid of?” Remember that even if you feel like a child with your parents, you are not. You are now a powerful adult. You can leave unlike when you were a child.
When there is active drug addiction and abuse, consider what limits you need to feel comfortable. Know your bottom line. Is it a one day or one hour visit or just a short phone call? Some adult children of addicted parents refuse to talk on the phone or be around them when their parents drink or use drugs. You may have siblings who pressure you to rescue one of your parents, or you may be tempted to do so. With difficult family situations, it helps to talk with a therapist or other people in recovery from codependency.
Some truths about having toxic parents
The healing of a relationship begins with you: your feelings and attitudes. Sometimes working on yourself is all it takes. That doesn’t mean your parents will change, but you will. Sometimes forgiveness is necessary or a conversation is required. Here are some things to think about when it comes to your family:*
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Your parents don’t have to heal for you to get better.
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Cuts don’t heal you. You still need to regain your power and your self-esteem.
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You are not your parents.
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You’re not the abusive things they say about you either. See “Codependency is based on false facts.”
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You don’t have to like your parents, but you may still be attached to and love them.
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Active addiction or abuse by a parent can trigger it. Set limits and practice detachment.
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Family members cannot be changed or rescued.
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Indifference, not hate or anger, is the opposite of love.
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Hating someone interferes with loving yourself.
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Unresolved anger and resentment hurt you.
What you can do
begin therapy and attend CoDA, ACoA, or Al-Anon meetings. Learn to identify abuse and manipulation. Raise your self-esteem and heal childhood shame and trauma. Have a support network and be financially independent from your parents. With abusive and difficult parents, learn specific strategies for dealing with bad behavior with very defensive people.
©DarleneLancer 2018
* Adapted from Codependency For Dummies 2nd Ed. 2014, John Wiley & Sons, Inc.