I often hear of wives trying very hard to save their marriages after their husband’s affair. Usually, there are several issues they wrestle with, but one of the most persuasive is the other woman and her husband’s feelings for her. He worries that her husband is “not done” with her, or that he still thinks of her, or even that he still wants her.
One of the most common questions I get is “Does my husband still think about the other woman even though the affair is supposed to be over and we’re supposed to try to save our marriage?” Sometimes, I catch him daydreaming and I “I have a very strong feeling that he is thinking of her. When I ask him about this, he denies it. But I think he’s afraid to tell the truth because he knows she’s going to hurt me. How can I compete with this when supposedly she’s not on the scene anymore? How do men really feel about the other woman once the affair is over?
The answers to these questions are as complex as the people and relationships involved. Men’s feelings about the other woman after the affair vary greatly and can change over time. I will discuss more about this matter in the following article.
Some men see the other woman and the situation quite clearly after the affair is over: Even though their wives don’t believe them, some men insist to me that they are very clear that the other person was a big mistake. Most men in this category will say things like “I don’t know what I was thinking. Looking back now, I was an idiot. My wife doesn’t think I still don’t think about her, but I really don’t. And, if I do , it’s just to think about how stupid I was and how much I risked.”
If this is the response you are hearing from your husband, you can sometimes look at his actions for confirmation. It could be that when he falls asleep, if he is thinking about her, it is in the way he just described. And, if he’s doing all he can to correct this and is sincere, apologetic, and forthcoming, then sometimes he can save himself a lot of time and hurt if he’s able to understand that he won’t. You won’t even be able to read her mind, but you can watch her actions to see if his intentions match his words. Beyond that, you really have to make up your mind about whether you intend to believe him until he gives you a concrete reason not to.
Depending on how the relationship ended, some men still think about the other woman: When the end of the affair is still fresh, many men will still have some residual feelings. Many of them admit to me that because the relationship ended abruptly, they may feel closure is missing and this will cause them to look back.
Or, if their wife is lashing out and making their lives pretty hard (even when they deserve it), they may look back somewhat wistfully to the time before you knew about the affair and the fight happened. Sometimes they may equate these feelings to the other person. And sometimes, they’ll tell themselves that they really did have strong feelings for her that they’re not going to end overnight because everyone wants it to. Many of them will say to themselves things like, “I chose my family and I’m trying to do the right thing. But I still have some feelings. I can’t help these feelings. I don’t want to have them, but sometimes I do. The important thing is that I’m not acting on them.”
Over time, these feelings can change dramatically and often begin to fade. Often when everything is still fresh and everyone is still floundering, feelings may be stronger.
How to handle him when you suspect he still has feelings for the other woman: Here is the problem with this whole situation. Neither you nor your husband can control your feelings. (However, he can control whether he acts on them.) Many men will say that they don’t want to have these feelings for her, but they just get into her head and he has no control over them. I know it’s very tempting to keep asking her about these feelings, but in my opinion it’s the wrong decision. You don’t want to keep drawing her attention to her. If you are trying to save your marriage, then you want her attention to be on you and the marriage.
Sometimes you just have to trust yourself and the process and know that when things are fresh, the struggles will be greater. You have to trust that as you can rehabilitate the marriage and rebuild it, things will improve dramatically on all fronts. And usually it just takes a while for you to be able to see things with the clarity you need for your feelings to follow.
The bottom line is often that once you can transform and improve your marriage, the focus should shift to the two of you and no one else. But, if you keep harping on this topic and grabbing his attention without giving him time to work, then you may cause both of you more pain and frustration than necessary.