All coaches have to handle difficult participants at one time or another. Whether the difficult participant is a talker or a know-it-all, a fighter or an argumentative person, a quiet or withdrawn person, a complainer, an unconsciously incompetent person, a distractible person or a rambler, the trainer needs to know what to do and what to do. what not to do when handling behavior, and how to avoid taking behavior personally.
Our discussion of strategies for engaging or managing “difficult” participants began with the article on the Talkative or the Know-it-all, which is trying to contribute to the discussion. This article is about the wrestler, who is trying to detract and disagree with the topic or the coach.
The fighter or arguer quickly finds fault with the material or the instructor. Separate statements inappropriately. He is often angry, but does not come out or admit or explain his anger.
Special Note: Some people have an argumentative style, or like devil’s advocate to ensure lively debate. Your motivation and behavior are not fueled by anger or deep frustration. As a result, they are easier to bring back into the fold through the gentler actions suggested below.
What a coach can do:
In front of the group:
If it’s an attack on the topic:
- Keep calm: you can never win an argument.
- Acknowledge the level of passion and ask why.
- Ask the person to support the statements. Ask for proof.
- Avoid getting personal.
- Refer the question to the group and then to him/her.
- Try to win this person over by finding good reasons to agree on a few points.
- Pretend not to hear it.
- Agree disagree.
- If nothing else works, suggest that your differences be cleared up later.
- Use humor to invite others to speak.
- Set rules: only the person with the Koosh can speak, or there is a 2 minute limit per person, etc.
- Set rules: Criticism is acceptable, as long as it is constructive and offers viable alternatives.
If the arguer can be a spokesperson for the group:
- Determine if the person is alone in their thinking or if others feel the same way.
- If others agree, it may be appropriate to say, “I’m not here to defend the content. I’m here to explain it and teach you how to use it.”
- At other times, it may be appropriate to allow a limited amount of time for the group to vent or to post constructive recommendations from the group.
If it is a personal attack:
- Ignore the attack.
- Reframe an attack on yourself as an attack on the problem.
- Rephrase a personal attack as friendly.
- Reframing past mistakes to future remedies.
- Reframing of “you” and “me” to “we”.
In private:
- Provide constructive feedback on the impact of the behavior on the session, the participants and/or the trainer.
- Coach the person to select a more constructive behavior.
- Co-opt the person: ask for their help.
- Discuss the true source of the individual’s anger.
- Ask if the person is willing to let the other participants learn.
- If necessary, indicate that the person is free to leave the session.
What a coach should NOT do:
- Discuss with the person.
- Use insults.
- Get defensive.
- Express anger.
- You lose control of the discussion.
- Agree with the wrestler only to end the discussion, if that will fool other participants.
Real Life Example: Another thing a trainer should NOT do is walk into a training session unprepared and unaware of issues that may affect the session. However, despite pre-session interviews and other needs assessment work done in advance, there may be times when a trainer unknowingly becomes the catalyst or target for group venting.
I once did a session for a public agency, even spent the night before the session chatting with the participants and then found myself with a circular saw when the training started. The focus of the program was team building, and we began with a checklist of characteristics of effective work teams. I read the list, asking the participants to check off all the characteristics that are currently present in their work equipment. Then I asked them how it went and a woman’s hand went up. She proceeded to say that none of the features existed anywhere in the entire agency!
After hearing their angry expression of frustration, I turned to the rest of the group and asked how they felt. The whole room (approximately 150 people!) exploded. As they were recognized, each confirmed and embellished the statements of the first woman.
Now, did I mention that all the top managers of the agency were present in the room? Well, they were, but not for long. When I turned to ask if they would like to answer, none of the managers stayed! So here I was with a team building workshop and an entire army of participants up in arms over the very idea!
I did what any reasonable and surprised coach would do: I called a break. Immediately the participants surrounded me and it became very clear that they would need a structured opportunity to vent before there was any hope of continuing with the content of the training.
We quickly distributed flipchart paper and markers to all the tables, and when the participants had grouped together, I told them they would have 10 minutes to post their constructive comments and recommendations. I promised to summarize their comments and send a copy to them, as well as their management, for management’s response. I made it clear that, after that exercise, we would return to the planned schedule.
Well it worked! They wrote furiously and then delivered their recommendations. We continue the training without further difficulty. I am sorry for the summary of your recommendations, as promised. Unfortunately, someone leaked the information to the press, so the whole incident ended up on the front page of the state newspaper. Fortunately, he referred to me as an “anonymous consultant.”
Comment: When faced with any difficult behavior, we need to be able to step back and objectively assess what the root cause of the behavior might be. Why would someone fight or argue with a trainer?
Anger is a basic human emotion, and this complex world offers many legitimate reasons why someone might be angry.
The person may resent having to come to the training session, particularly if attendance at the session is mandatory, or even last minute. I have had people come to a training session understandably furious because they had been notified of the session with a note on their windshield the night before!
The person may disagree with the content, or have a hard time with authority figures (yes, that means the coach!), or just have a really bad day.
The person may dislike the coach, be angry about the quality of the coffee or the lack of snacks, or be worried about some problem at home.
Often, I have found that the training session is the only time, and perhaps even the first time, that the participants are together and can discuss how they feel. The problem may have little to do with the actual content of the training, but some participant will find a way to bring it up.
Sometimes the group will direct their anger or frustration at the trainer, because they see the trainer as an extension of management (and probably easier to confront than a real manager). Sometimes the group will feel safe to express their frustration because they hope that the trainer can have some impact as their advocate to management.
We need to balance the needs of the participants while still meeting the stated goals of the training program. Therefore, we make decisions aimed at calming, deflecting, or reframing anger, because we know that no learning will occur as long as anger persists. We do everything possible to dignify the person, while establishing controls around behavior.
For those of us who are conflict averse, handling the Fighter or Arguer can be a real challenge. However, we need to meet that challenge effectively, or we will lose credibility and control in the classroom. And if we lose control in that situation, our participants may not feel safe enough to continue in the session.
In the next article, we’ll look at the other end of the difficult behavior spectrum, Quiet or Withdrawn.