During the festive season, I lead workshops called “Grief Never Takes a Holiday” to help those who are experiencing grief and sadness at this time of year. Although complaints are a big problem for many people around the holidays, I don’t expect a huge crowd. I don’t expect a lot of people because grief is a very “personal” thing and not many people have the courage to go out in public and admit that they are suffering a great loss. But those that have have begun the slow healing process, something that is very difficult to do on your own.
It’s very hard to do it just because a catastrophic loss splits you into two people. A part of you is devastated and wants to just sit and wallow in the “why” questions (“why did she have to die?”, “why did God take my husband?”, “why didn’t did I do more?”, “Why is God doing this to me?”, etc.). Since “why questions” go unanswered, fear, anger, guilt, and shame continue to pound you into the ground emotionally. This is your emotional side, the side that is owned and operated by your ego. And your ego’s job is to make you the center of the world, portray yourself as the biggest victim, and use guilt and shame to carry your pain with you for the rest of your life.
The other part of you wants to move on, wants to start over, wants to try to make the most of what’s left of life. This side of you understands that the pain will change over time, the sun will shine again, and your loss could be a great opportunity for personal growth. This is your logical side, the side that is owned and operated by your faith and belief that life and God have a better plan for you than eternal pain and suffering. It is very difficult to reach this place alone, you need the help of others because alone, your ego will always win. Emotion always wins out over logic, but if you allow other “logical” people into the discussion, you can gradually wear down emotion. It is like Lao Tzu’s description of water wearing away stone in the Tao Te Ching.
The holidays make it doubly difficult because that’s when we miss our loved ones the most. It is also the time of the year when we hurt the most, but it is also the time of the year when we can give more. Everyone needs emotional support during the holidays, and the act of giving helps us heal. We also have the choice to focus on what is missing in our lives or to focus on what we do have and be grateful for those gifts. It is a Universal Law that whatever we choose to focus on expands and once we have the “attitude of gratitude” we see the abundance of blessings in every corner of our lives.
If you are grieving this holiday season, accept the love and help of others, then give that love and help to the people in your life who need it. It’s okay to feel sad during the holidays, but by focusing on what you have, you create an opportunity for the joy of the holiday season to shine in your life.