Marriage has been compared to prison. ‘Getting hooked’ and ‘tying the knot’ have negative connotations. Men (and some women, I suspect) refer to ‘the old ball and chain’. Men call their spouses all sorts of unflattering things: the old lady, or the warden, or worse. They refer to the use of collars, chains and castration. They complain about restrictions on their economic, social and sexual freedom. Is it any wonder people talk about avoiding marriage?
Here is the truth of the matter. We don’t avoid it. Americans get married, a lot. 95% of Americans get married at some point in their lives. Second marriages are also ubiquitous: 95% of people who get divorced remarry within two years. As much as we protest and complain about restrictions on marriage, we keep coming back to it. Why would we do that? Is there something in marriage that we find attractive? There has to be, or we’d stop doing it.
It seems that there is something that keeps us asking for marriage. And, oddly enough, it’s not the ease of finding a date for Friday night, or not having to be on our best behavior all the time, though that’s part of it. It’s not even the easy access to sex, which exists for singles these days with little to no effort.
Marriage is simply part of who we are, a state we find attractive despite our protests to the contrary. Could it be that marriage is a secret formula for true happiness, and we know it instinctively? It seems to be true. Oscar Wilde wrote that all tragedy ends in death; every comedy ends in marriage. He is right; there is a connection between happiness for ourselves and greater pleasure in society. Call it community satisfaction. Marriage is part of who we are.
In my own marriage, the rewarding essence of it is simply its consistency. In our society, we are programmed to go from one thing to another: the next (bigger) house, a new car, a new wardrobe, the latest vacation spot. We have even codified this national restlessness, calling it our right to ‘the pursuit of happiness’. It’s not happiness itself, mind you, but just the pursuit of it, almost as if, having got there, we had to go ahead and try again, old carrot on a stick.
But marriage solidifies this itinerary of the soul. The institution has been around forever, it seems. It has always been associated with solidity and stability, two attributes that seem to oppose our need for constant change. In fact, the description of the ball and chain can be completely accurate, if we allow it to be. Since words and thus attitudes are critical in life, those who use such terminology to describe their union necessarily experience sad marriages, like in a prison.
But a study of the truly happy marriage reveals something quite different. Happily married couples are in a state of constant and purposeful change. The more change and variety we find in a marriage, the happier it is. Happy marriages identify with the new idea of pleasing; the latest in greetings and adorations; the avant-garde method of recognizing the spouse; yes, even the newest and possibly most exotic sexual endeavor, or at least intimate interaction. Changes in marital status are what make you happy, not the other way around.
Happy marriages are innovative, fresh, surprising. They create, by their very nature, the constant and joyful challenge to ‘come first’ in the marriage with a gift, recognition, or excitement never before experienced. It’s the note card hidden in a spouse’s luggage, a flower delivery to the office for no reason, the preparation of a favorite meal when they least expect it. Happy marriage is the tender greeting, with words that penetrate the soul of the spouse for their dedication, and for the depth of their feeling. Happy marriage is attention through focused listening, the almost lost art of truly listening to what the spouse is saying or not saying. A happy marriage is the ability to anticipate what a spouse will do, say, want, need, and ask for next, and the ability to provide it. A happy marriage is… happy, because it is an acknowledgment that a spouse is happy and, maturity being necessary, it is knowing that we are only part of the union. A happy marriage is its own reward, and our ability to change keeps it fresh.
Also, happy marriage is currently evolving to include everyone who understands this description, and that means: everyone. This new understanding of what constitutes a happy marriage has little to do with gender, children, religion, or socially accepted traditions. It is an acknowledgment that people marry the person they love, and that includes everyone, gay or straight. In fact, the evolution of marriage looks more and more like an avalanche of affirmation of the very reason why marriage makes us happy. And opposition to this tide of marriage equality, while futile, is beginning to look anti-marriage in its focus on narrow definitions. If marriage makes two people happy, it seems to be doing its job, and we should celebrate it.
It’s no secret, then, why we keep getting married. It is simply because we want to be happy. So tell your spouse that you adore them. And if you’re not married yet, come on in, the water is happy.