It is perfectly normal to become obsessed with the other woman or lover when you learn of a husband’s infidelity. Of course you want to know who he is, what he looks like, how he got hooked on your husband, and what his intentions are with this whole thing. These feelings are normal. I can’t tell you how many emails I get from wives who are hatching and planning elaborate revenge plots against the other person. Wives feel that getting this revenge will make them feel better and at least allow them some satisfaction in exchange for their pain. However, some intuitively feel that opening this can or the worms can do more harm than good. Yesterday, I received an email from a woman who asked me “is it really worth taking revenge on her? Will it help me or will it just make me feel worse?” I will answer this question in the next article.
Understand what you really want (and hope to get) when confronting the mistress: Often when I ask wives what they hope to gain by confronting the other woman, I get a variety of responses such as: “I want you to know that I know exactly what you are doing and I am not going to tolerate it,” or “I want to feel it and see who she is and what he might see in her “, or” I want him to know that there will be serious consequences if he continues like this “(to threaten her) or” I want him to realize what he has done to our family. “
However, all of these things assume that she will be rational, receptive, and really listen to what you are saying. His past behavior indicates that this is not likely. She’s already proven to be dishonest, unintelligent, and lacking in impulse control, so you’re unlikely to get satisfaction from dealing with someone like that.
I know from experience that what most women seek when seeking revenge is something that makes them feel better. They seek some relief from pain and some sense of control over the situation. But, really, there are healthier ways to do this that don’t force you to allow this woman into your life more than she already is.
You have more control than you think – you don’t need to get this from her: As I have said, most women will seek revenge on the lover to regain a sense of control. But the opposite is often the case. Often times the other woman is hurtful and spiteful and is very happy to tell you things that will hurt you and then will often go after your husband and family to get her own personal revenge. In essence, you are just prolonging this unfortunate cycle much longer than necessary.
To feel better and recover from the adventure (which I think is the real goal), you will need to start focusing on creating positive experiences and a sense of control. You can give these things to yourself, whether you want to save your marriage or not. It is important that you understand that this is not your fault. It’s the fault of two people you had no control over. No matter what was missing in your marriage, there were other options available. But her husband chose the most undesirable option and will have to take responsibility for this.
Instead of confronting it and allowing more negativity into your life, protect yourself from the things that weaken and hurt you and only allow the things that strengthen and heal you. Be kind to yourself. Define what you need and make sure you get it. Take back your power. Surround yourself with the people who care and the things that make you happy.
If you want to save your marriage, letting this woman into your life will only make things worse: If you decide to try to rescue your marriage, you really should stop having contact with this woman, that includes both you and your husband. And, if you want answers and guarantees, you must look for them in her husband, not in her. If you are looking for a release from tension and want to feel better, seek this out from people who you trust and who care about your best interests. She doesn’t fit into that bill.
And, if you decide to save your marriage, you must put in the work to do the work necessary to restore trust and intimacy. This will require a lot of attention and time. You need to focus on your husband and create positive experiences to build on. These things don’t happen overnight. It may take a while until you are ready for this. But when you are, allowing this woman into your life is a step backwards. Don’t give him more power and presence than he deserves.
At the end of the day, the best revenge against her is your own happiness. Her best scenario is to take away what she has and have it to herself. So your goal is to banish her from your life immediately. Insist that your husband stay away from her and promise to do the same.
I get so many letters from wives worried about revenge and I can tell you that it almost never turns out the way you expected and most of the time, it just makes you feel worse, not better.